


his demeter

by venier1



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:13:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 20,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27506659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/venier1/pseuds/venier1
Summary: a money-loving pianist is a fan of Itachiyama High's volleyball ace.
Relationships: Sakusa Kiyoomi/Reader
Comments: 6
Kudos: 68





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is something i wrote in my free time and i'm not very good with english in general. so i apologize if there are any typos and mistakes while writing this. also, the plot may be rushed and/or messy.

"If I'm good at something, and if I'm capable of making money out of it. I will look away from my own pleasure and polish it until I rot in the money I have obtained."

Elegant does not fit your character, and almost everyone who knows you as a person have required that sort of opinion towards you.

Foreign to that word, you proceed to play the piano without forethought. Your fingers were idly pressing against the surface of each keys yet your gaze does not falter to the musical object upon you. They say your eyes are sharper than any blades to exist once it is locked onto the instrument. That is however, without any elegance. In the eyes of those who have known you or the so called professionals they still applause you. Even with your halfhearted motions, your prudence never fluctuate as its concentration waves perfectly in an ocean.

At first glance, most people would mistaken your constant fleeting passion as elegance. But they will soon to realize that you were simply impossible to handle. They may utter each negative comments towards your style of play, but it must never change you. You are what they call to be unworthy of such talents, you are what they call to be a pianist playing in such a sickening masquerade. Those professionals despises you with a passion for your lack of passion and only looking at the profit.

The stage is empty, and the crowd on the other side are in awe of your performance whilst some are jealous by your capabilities. Nonetheless, you crossed your legs and place those crowd in your least dismay, for now.

Those people are the ones who reveres you, and you only see them as your profit.

Such tiny compliments could never turn into a physical object of money and you do not take any happiness in that at all. Money is what you crave and it is the only thing you need to survive in this unfair world we continuously walk on, abiding by its beauty and ignoring all its faults. Status and money is something you need in order to achieve such a deluxe life without any concerns to view the world you call beautiful yet crude.

Your blatant honestly of wanting money to those people they claim to be your seniors stricken irritation is amusing to watch. Despite your honesty when it comes to your vision towards your job which those enemies of yours are furious over, you do not think twice, nor do you change your mind about wanting to change your career. You like playing the piano, but your greed embodies you the most.

Happiness, you want happiness for your family that started off poorly the moment you were born. Your mother whose hands are sore from doing all the chores and your father who is dying in remorse over a broken small career he could never build back due to a hoax, with those unpaid debts you will soon pay by your own hard work. They love you deeply, but this isn't a story where love fixes everything magically.

They say it is talent, but it simply started off as attachment to beauty. But it is the beauty you play and you can never cherish properly.

You are the elegant (repulsive) pianist unknown to have good deeds, (F/n) (L/n).


	2. Chapter 2

You had always been attached to beauty. To which beauty is what you see in everything even through the leaking tears of a human whose mentality is so far shattered by their tales. Superiority is what you look for and money is your priority.

And Kiyoomi Sakusa, he's breathtaking.

Those squeals and cheers for Itachiyama's ace does not effect you. Although, the ace itself does. For those female students of Itachiyama High would often call it love or crush, but you find it to be admiration of his skills.

Volleyball has taken one of the list of things that had taken into your liking, however you do not play it. You simply love watching those satisfying jumps and the scores once the ball hits the ground and it leaves the whole court quiet. Playing the piano had always been tiring, not that you have not adjusted yourself to sit on a stool and play for hours. The piano was easy to learn and so it started off as a hobby to a business.

Precisely, you had a few idols over the past few years. You do look up to a few pianists, some catches your interests while the others are colored with black and white. Maybe it's because you are a pianist yourself, which makes you more strict concerning the topic of admiration, but that does not occur in volleyball. Kiyoomi Sakusa is most certainly the top of your idols.

"Nice kill, Sakusa!" you hear one of his foes say the moment he scores yet again. 

Fingers tightening on the hem of your skirt, you feel your lips curling upwards from the thrill. That deep observation of yours towards Kiyoomi does not seem to fall apart. Albeit you were multitasking the rhythm of your chest at the same time, your eyes does not wander elsewhere. Whether or not if it is admirable is not a problem once you drift into curiosity.

Thus, the egg cracks and falls into the transparent bowl made out of glass.

Maybe soon enough, you would hand Kiyoomi a gift of his favorite item to show your appreciation of his career. Money is always your priority, but people immediately made an assumption that you would never spend a penny for someone else. That is, in fact, a mere one-sided opinion without any evidence. It will never bother you even if it goes to the extent of someone throwing their hands onto you.

Speaking of gifts and volleyball, you do have a certain friend who had known him longer than you do by now who is conveniently with his friends mess with you during your day off today, Atsumu Miya is his name.

"I've been wondering why there's the whole team here, when the only one who is in need of my help is only Osamu." you say to no one in particular (though, Atsumu feels attacked). Cracking another egg beside Osamu who is currently turning on the rice cooker. Some members of the Inarizaki volleyball team is messing around in the other side of the room as. Apparently, their role it to be the taste tester coming from Atsumu, though they really are here for the free food.

"We're sorry for intruding, (L/n)." Shinsuke apologizes in the behalf of the whole team, with Aran giving an apologetic look while the others are too busy doing their own things.

Your heart clutches by his kindness, "You don't have to apologize, Kita-san. You and Aran are an exception."

"As your best friend, I feel betrayed, (F/n)." Atsumu deadpans. But you ignored him either way leaving more salt on his wound.

In short, Osamu asked you to teach him how to cook such delicious omurice and invited you to his house, no matter how simple it sounds like, it's very troublesome by the presence of Atsumu. 

You and Atsumu met online. You had only given him a supportive message about his plays and he, out of nowhere, admitted that he was really flattered over her words through their direct messages even if it sounds embarrassing. Much to his teammates surprise and relief, you were not another girl trying to swoon all over him, as you had clearly stated that you are not planning to indulge yourself into a relationship for now. Or maybe never, even.

"How's yer piano thing goin' so far?" Atsumu slides in. Leaning against the counter with a sly smug, an expression you swore to punch one day once you have the guts to do so.

Yawning, you reply lazily, "It's doing fine."

To come to Hyogo during your day off sounds like a nightmare. But Osamu had politely asked you to help him and you have always had a soft spot for those who ask you help with decent manners. Though you must admit, being the only girl in a house full of muscled boys sounds rather intimidating. That is until you learned they are children deep down.

At first you met with Atsumu in person when you personally just wanted to come to an important match between Itachiyama and another school in hopes of seeing more of Kiyoomi's play. He insisted you to meet him and so you did. Even if Atsumu is childish, he is someone that you consider to be a friend, calling him a close friend of yours would be too chummy for your liking (even if you two are best friends). Then you would continue to meet him if you had plays near their location, which happens more often that you had thought.

Bonding with him was not a problem at all. Atsumu is a handful sometimes, but so is his twin alongside with his friends, exception for their respectable captain though.

"Stop distracting me with that piss hair of yours, 'Tsumu." Osamu grumbles, giving a glare at his twin. Of course, it successfully ticked off the famous setter of the Hyogo Prefecture. "You're getting all giddy cuz (L/n) came in my house for the first time."

"Ya crazy?! This is our house, 'Samu━"

You break the two boys bantering, "It's your parents' house, you dimwits." you sigh, completely unsure how you are even handling these idiots of Hyogo.

Looking at Atsumu, Kiyoomi comes back into your mind. Without noticing it yourself a gentle smile pursed onto your facial expression and you heaved a deep breath. Would it be proper of you to ask Atsumu regarding Kiyoomi's life that revolves outside volleyball?

Wanting to give a perfect gift for someone you idolize is certainly an important asset no matter how dumb it sounds like coming from you, the money lover, (F/n) (L/n). You have already gave gifts to your other idols, including Atsumu. To which leaves Kiyoomi hanging as the last.

"Hey, Atsumu?" both of the twins looks at you, their expression were more alarmed by the unnatural nervous voice you had let out even with your tender smile. "Do you know Sakusa Kiyoomi?" you question him with a more friendly tone.

"Yeah, why? Are ya gonna ask me to tell more about that germ wuss like some desperate lookin' fangirl?"

Surely, Atsumu did not expect you to agree so easily.


	3. Chapter 3

A soothing breeze of spring. Summer is where the sun is scorching at its most, autumn is where the leaves fall to the soil only to vanish, winter is where the pure white snow covers the miserable side of your surroundings, and spring is where the flowers bloom only to wither away eventually.

Spring defines you, your career that blooms like a petal hanging onto the calyx, no matter how beautiful it is, you already know it will soon wit even if it is not now.

Kiyoomi is winter. His steely voice is the snow, but even that voice of his can make you feel like you are drinking a cup of hot cocoa during the season he represents. Such marvelous spikes and high jumps, he is very much like the winter that covers the dusted world you live on that your eyes could only see the sickening beauty behind it.

"Excuse me, your name is Sakusa, right?"

He turns around, looking at you with a frown that does not seem to break by the presence of anyone to exist. You were holding a bag with items which consists of; hand sanitizer, masks, alongside with some umeboshi you have made by yourself. All of these were items recommended by yours truly, Atsumu Miya. Moreover, you must say you were quite reluctant with the idea of giving someone such things aside from the umeboshi, would he think that you are trying to tell him he's dirty in a polite way even if you did not mean it?

On front of the gym entrance, Kiyoomi was nearby which was quite practical for your favor. Much to dislikes, even though he is indeed a germaphobe and often avoids crowds, he still has a plentiful amount of fans who would try to talk and give gifts to him.

Kiyoomi faintly sighs through his nose, which you cannot see through due to the mask that covers half of his face. "Is there something you want from me?" he asks, unfazed by the obvious gift that you are holding with your frail fingers.

"I've always admired your performance and wanted to give you my appreciation of your hard work. I asked a friend of mine who apparently knows you, I don't know what to say for the other items I've bought, but I hope the umeboshi tastes alright? It was my first time making it," you say, pushing your own hands to give him the bag full of gifts. He is much more masculine now that you are face to face with him, reminds you when you met the whole Inarizaki team for the first time.

You were completely unaware that Kiyoomi is debating with himself if he should accept it or not. A gift full of the things he likes yet he is slightly concerned if you have germs packed inside it at the same time.

At first he had grimaced but once everything progressed into his head rapidly by the mention of his favorite food, his posture soon relaxed. "I see," was all he said, finally accepting your small package that noticeably made his mood better. "Thank you." he trails off. Subtly rubbing the surface of his fingers against the small bag although it is still divided between the glove that he is wearing.

Before you could even reply to him, he asks,  
"What's your name?"

Is it even possible for winter to make the flowers in your land blossom? You believe Kiyoomi is the winter, but your beliefs are nothing more than a mere opinion based on your own judgement. His voice may be the snow, but his words are like spring and his gestures are autumn. Hence, leaving you as the summer that collides against his days.

"(F/n) (L/n), I believe our class is next to yours on the left." you chirped out, happier than usual because you may have made a good impression on front of Itachiyama's volleyball ace, Kiyoomi Sakusa.

Today is a nice day, is it not?

"...Hey, 'Samu? Remember when I sneezed outta nowhere today in the middle of practice and got tangled in the net?"

Osamu furrowed his eyebrows, unsure where this conversation is even going in the midst of nothingness while they lay on the floor of the living room like children. Osamu looks at his twin with such concern with whatever is bothering that piss twin until he had to look so terrified looking at his phone. "Don't remind me of that, I feel so ashamed even though it wasn't me who looked like a goddamn idiot." he says while elbowing Atsumu.

Basically, Atsumu was suspicious back then if someone was gossiping about him that caused him to sneeze, which is most certainly your conversation with Kiyoomi. But he is too much of an idiot to even think about the possibility.

In such a rushed manner, Atsumu sat up while shoving his phone on Osamu's face. "That's not what I'm tryna say! Omi-Omi messaged me!! He sent me a heckin' 'thank you' and I feel threatened ya know?!"

"The only person I know who would say that as a threat is you, 'Tsumu." Osamu facepalms.

"I ain't messing around here, ya uglier twin!"


	4. Chapter 4

You are open to the public with the fact that you will act as natural as you are to anyone you see. Sarcasm, money, and your rusty fingers, you never lied about anything. Brute honesty is what you offer and some are too sensitive to even handle your words they claim to be mockery. They only view your skill, your astonishing plays and delicate figure on the stage is what attracts the people who they claim to be your fans.

Being a self-taught pianist only emphasizes the glares of your envious seniors across the stage as they watch you play without any care. Letting your fingers move in sync with the music you're creating and your gaze never falls apart from the piano.

The performance ends with a loud applause from the crowd. But at the back of the stage your senior, Ameterasu Hideko who is a few years older than you is there to throw a soothing tantrum with you again.

She is a woman whose body is the ideal type for most of the females amongst the population of earth. A beautiful yet judgemental musician who exceeds in most of the instruments to exist, a woman who abides by the rule to create a facade and be the polite type of her while blessing everything she plays with a blazing passion. Beautiful long and straight black hair with middle-parted bangs that corresponds with her hazelnut eyes and slim figure.

Precisely, industry and personality wise, she is the opposite of you. How fun.

"Must you always play for money instead of doing something you actually like, (L/n)?" Ameterasu asks. With her flaxen short dress and your suit that you would often wear during plays, an argument is already created from looks alone.

You laugh halfheartedly, "Haha, I am truly flattered that you research about me so much, Hideko-senpai. But I'm amazed that your puny brain cannot grind the fact that I am indeed a money lover. Do you perhaps need your lovely junior to pay your hospital fees to get that idiotic brain of yours fixed?" the collar of your suit is just choking you slightly, but you could care less about it due to her usual routine of lecturing you.

Being formal and not at the same time is your way of insulting others. Some call it weird, but you find satisfaction in it. It concerns you sometimes, but if it is changeable, then you would have done so the moment you have been born.

"I wish to change your heart and way of thinking," she says, twirling with her hair slightly with her finger. An adorable motion that contradicts her cold gaze.

It does not even matter if she or anyone else wants to change your ways. You are not here to simply play and have fun, you are here to create money and help your family with paying their unpaid debts that you are doing with sincerity and out of love to your own parents. The media is cruel, and you're aware of it. You never plan on talking about the reason behind your desires because those people would accuse your parents of forcing their child to work.

"A beautiful woman like you mustn't concern yourself of such a selfish junior like me." you respond.

Ameterasu sighs, "Drop your formality, it doesn't suit you at all even if it is indeed your way of talking with hostility towards me. You should really consider on learning proper mannerisms soon, ingenue." she says. Being taller than you, Ameterasu luxuriously pulls your tie, even those gestures still made her look beautiful, how envy-worthy. Causing you to lose balance but was regained immediately the moment you smacked her hands off of your attire. Ignoring the whispers of the other musicians that surrounds the two of you.

"I only respect those who are capable of minding their own business when I don't do any harm to them." your voice sounded harsher than usual, which caught her by surprise.

The famous musician, Ameterasu Hideko shot a sharp glare at you. Eyes full of desire to belittle you. "How must I respect someone who can never appreciate the beauty of the music in this industry?" 

And you see, that's where she is wrong. But you never felt the need to reply back to her as it is obviously meaningless and non-beneficial to continue the useless conversation. A bitter conversation is something you find to be expected coming from Ameterasu up even after the past years. 

The conversation you had with Ameterasu yesterday exhausts you even until the next day at school. You avoid those who wants to talk to you and proceed to walk to your class with your bag fully packed with books.

However, to see Kiyoomi Sakusa standing on front of your class is out of your calculation.

"Hey, you." he calls out, blocking the entrance of your class. You truly wanted to pray to God that you did not messed up that gift until he wanted to murder you on front of your classmates. Without a doubt, you would prefer dying after your parents' debts have been paid before anyone ought to think about killing you. Though, it's not like one can see the pros from making your body lifeless.

"Did I do something wrong?" you blurted out accidentally. Quickly shoving your palms on your mouth as your eyes widened, staring at a confused Kiyoomi who did not quite hear whatever you had just said.

You gesture him to continue. Much to Kiyoomi's confusion, but is ignored by himself, he continues; "Are you coming to our match during the Tokyo Prefectural Qualifiers?"

'Is he inviting me?' What an absurd dream this is, is what you would like to tell yourself. But having the sanity to comprehend the Miya twins and the Inarizaki volleyball members alone gave you more than what you take credit for. So of course you are very well aware that you are not dreaming. 

"Why are you asking the obvious? Are you worried that your lovely fan won't come to your mat━"

"Have a nice day." Kiyoomi ends the talk there with a bitter expression due to you immature remark. Leaving you speechless by the rushed attempt of ending a conversation. A small 'Huh?' was all you could mutter under your breath as he walks away past you. Truthfully, you would call him rude but you were not exactly in the place to call anyone rude ever since you started speaking.

An awkward start of their newborn bond, but you will take it anyways.


	5. Chapter 5

Beautiful as always. Kiyoomi is just so fulgent and hard to decipher.

As expected, Itachiyama had won yet again. And Kiyoomi Sakusa never fails to impress you even without any requirement of effort. No matter in what state he is, beauty is what he defines even if he is drenched in sweat. You are impuissant to his dark eyes that you could never fathom what even holds behind it. Although you were mostly betting that he is just another child considering the childishness of the volleyball boys you had seen so far.

Dialing Atsumu, you lean against the wall while watching Kiyoomi's pleased expression to their victory. But to no avail, Atsumu did not accept the call which could only mean that he is still busy. So you ended up messaging him asking if Inarizaki became the king of the Hyogo Prefecture once more. Then you had finally realized that it is almost time for your play which could only mean one thing; more money.

You wish to talk to Kiyoomi more, but you do not intend to make a better view of yourself towards him because it seems like the moment you open your mouth most people tend to hate you. It is not like you have the time to even talk with him anyways. The breeze relaxes your head, the continuous chill watching his powerful plays brings a wave of shiver down your spine and the skin of your arm that is severely marked by your nails digging into it as a form of energy relief is being healed by the wind itself.

Feeling upset because of losing against others is only normal. There is no need to dramatize how you feel because it is already distasteful enough much to your knowledge. So you emphasize with those who lost their given matches in this building.

Ambling down the hallway, passing through each of the moderately crowded path, you finally got out of the building. Eyes wandering around the sky that conflates with the buildings that surrounds you, the earth is a pleasant place to be in aesthetically. This place is bucolic in addition to your broad setting of mind, it merges in elegantly unlike the person you are.

Elegant , how many times must that word be sung in your head like a self aware poem?  
You will never know. Though, it is not even necessary to overthink about, is it not?

"You're leaving already?"

Swiftly, you tilted your head. Kiyoomi stood there, his mask is being clutched in his grip and he still had some sweat on his face while his jacket isn't fully attached to each other on the zipper. "Sakusa, why are you here?" you stammer.

"You're leaving already?" he repeats, causing you to nod your head as a 'yes' almost immediately.

Even with the fatigue Kiyoomi must be in after finishing the match, he felt the need to reach after you, a mere stranger who admires him. By the scorching sun that is covered by the plethora of clouds, Kiyoomi's beauty that magnifies in any condition he could possibly be in, a pleasing sight is something that defines him. You wish for him to be happy at all cost, even in this world that has the balance of its own charms and toxicity.

"But I'll be watching you in every match you're in. So, don't worry! I'm your number one fan after all!" you cheer. Giving him a peace sign. His gaze softens to your reply━ a plundering smile to your heartbeat even, and something about that newfound expression of his made you smile a little. Kiyoomi despite being a germaphobe has an infectious smile, but maybe it has a positive effect on you(?).

Kiyoomi sighs out of relief. "You better watch us win."   
But he did not have to say it because your appearance is guaranteed.

"Where did you went off to?" Motoya skips around Kiyoomi.

"I was searching for someone." Kiyoomi replies honestly, which only piques Motoya's interest even more. But the evident irritation in his dark irises already warns his cousin to not touch that topic anymore. So Motoya could only back off with the lingering question in his head as in to why Kiyoomi is getting so defensive.

Kiyoomi must emphasize it to himself again, you are nothing more than a stranger whom does not talk with him enough to be even considered as an acquaintance. He should not get attached to you, because once the two of you part ways after the third year there will be nothing worth of rebuilding again. Notwithstanding the fact that he secretly wishes for you to admire him until the end.

The world outside the court can be as fetching. And Kiyoomi learns that from a fan named (F/n) (L/n), you. It's weird, but he will take what he can at this point.

"Come on Sakusa, the others are waiting!" Motoya calls him out, already a few steps further away from him. Kiyoomi wonders whether or not you will be a significant aspect in his life, but he admits that he doubts it.


	6. Chapter 6

You kept your words, you watched all of his matches no matter what holds you back from doing so. But the two of you were so distant even with the unbreakable promise you vow to keep until you cannot do so if fate does not cooperate with you. It was always those simple nods and small smiles of yours that had somehow kept him aware of your existence that is visibly dim in his routine. Minor gifts without anything flashy you would put on his desk very early in the morning even if it is not everyday is already special enough for him.

Kiyoomi grew fond of it, he loves everything about those small things you do for him despite no words being shared. The sort of things such as gifts never really had any special meaning for him due to his concerns for the germs the item may have.

But it's not that bad after all.

Eating the umeboshi, Kiyoomi stayed in his seat without bothering the chatters in the classroom. "You've been getting a lot of gifts recently don't you?" Motoya hums, looking at the umeboshi you made in Kiyoomi's hands, who is eating it without any hesitation. 

Kiyoomi does not reply, he only took a glace at Motoya's curious expression with such disinterest contrary with his action. "I thought you wouldn't touch the gifts given to you anymore, where did the cautious Sakusa go?" Motoya teases.

Finishing the last umeboshi, Kiyoomi sighs.  
"I am cautious, hurry up and finish your lunch so you can wash your hands afterwards."

"I'll be starting the homeroom!" your teacher informs.

You had forgotten the last time you enjoyed playing the piano. It is like the mixture of your excessive lust towards money had sucked every mania from the piano. The black keys nor white keys, you do not acknowledge it. Every time your finger presses against it regardless of how lovely the music is in your audiences' ears, you could only view money in the back of your head.

If being unworthy is the title those people who hates your lack of passion perceives you, if being unworthy means you could seek more money behind these plays up on the red carpet and cheers from the crowd, if being unworthy means you could save your parents from their debt, you did not mind such hateful eyes from certain groups.

But now, there is no such thing as a stage. You are currently sleep deprived from the recent performances to the edge where your exhaustion can not even bother to move the slightest on the tip of your fingers. Even in your worst, you must continue to polish what you have no matter how quick it is. However your body does not cooperate. It kept on being stuck on your chair and you do not have the energy to even stand up to go to the music club just like how it is everyday.

At least you have given Kiyoomi the umeboshi he requested.  
Yes, requested.

It was a really chaotic cooking session between you and your harsh schedule. Which explains why you were not capable of giving him one everyday.

Your parents were... confused. They had always been the one to do the cooking and to see you making some umeboshi for someone else really made them thought you drugged yourself with something illegal. But of course once explained, they thought you are madly in love with Kiyoomi, which contrary to the fact. Classic parents, but you do not dislike it nor do you even like it. You've always been a neutral person for most of the things to exist so people can see why you could care less for anything that even happens thereon.

School is not pleasing though. Even if you were one of the smartest kids there, there is always a reason to your actions.

Hate. Your hatred to your acknowledge that you are meaningless without the piano suffocates you. Even if you were to fail in piano only to continue with something else that requires your scores, it would feel different. Maybe there were a small fragment of love your poured into the piano, and that smallest piece changes everything. But aside from your personal feelings, the money would not be guaranteed to produce as good as your pianist job.

A bucolic setting, fragrance of the building, and the ineffable beauty of each places you go into. It is the beauty that supports the meaning of your music, it is the beauty you find comfort into. Even if you were to find the beauty elsewhere effortlessly just like how you are now, it means nothing if you are incapable of describing it in the music you play and you cannot cherish.

Maybe you are just being too descriptive and thoughtful in your head, but that does not put aside the languor to express it if the piano does not exist in your life. The description of passion in your music portrayed into your flimsy touch on the keys is toxic, it is what some people hate, but it is also what defines you.

Although the toxicity is what describes you, your admiration for Kiyoomi does even if you do not realize it.

He, Kiyoomi, is the person who wishes to be with you the moment you stayed with him even with the distance. You applause his scores and that admiration of yours is also what defines you as strong as your need to slam the money onto the debt. Perhaps your blooming ardor to the male is distinguishable from the other idols in the past you had, but you are too naive to pick that information up.

"... And lastly, (F/n) (L/n)?"

"Here."

Those days just pass by so quickly without neither of you holding a proper conversation like normal human beings. Instead there was the lack of courage coming from both sides because they were too comfortable with what they have now.


	7. Chapter 7

Kiyoomi opens his eyes only to see the graduation ceremony.

How weird. Spending a long amount of time with you in a form of gifts and greetings, if he had not had the courage to request more of her umeboshi back in second year, maybe the two of you would not have this weird relationship being established. You know, he finds it funny that he had gotten attached to a mere fan. Kiyoomi remembers how he abruptly replied to Motoya's question regarding whether or not if Kiyoomi will ever fall in love with one of the girls who admired him from afar.

"It's stupid, I don't want to get attached to any walking germs who will only swoon all over me."  
Yeah, that is what he thought before too. Kiyoomi would have always believed that those fans of his would be so clingy and noisy around him, but then he realizes not all of them are like that. Some would stay quiet and support him carefully, and out of all those fans of his, Kiyoomi had fallen for you.

The pianist, (F/n) (L/n). He may not know anything about you other than the fact that you are a fan of his. But those simple gestures of yours is what made him grew fond of, and he wants more from you. Itachiyama's volleyball ace, Kiyoomi Sakusa, is not satisfied with what he has with you after all of these seconds.

Was he being too greedy? Selfish, even? Kiyoomi still vividly remembers how he paced back and forth concerning if he should ask more about you to Atsumu, but out of pure embarrassment he did not. To ravel these strings his heart is made out of that is miserably scattered all over the place, to understand his own feelings, that is what he wants to know. Kiyoomi wants to feel his heart flutter around you even if it kills him.

He wants to know everything about you. Your imperfections are something he would want to list and cherish properly, you are his talisman, his ebullience. Thus he feels incomplete when he could not see you during the graduation ceremony.

"But I'll be watching you in every match you're in. So, don't worry! I'm your number one fan after all!"

If you were his number one fan, then would you accept his request for you to come and talk to him after this graduation ceremony wherever you are now? Actually, scratch that.

Would you want to listen to his egoistical request to have a closer relationship with him?

Now, that is just delusional just like how he dislikes it. As Kiyoomi must never waver from the conclusion that you two are nothing more than strangers or acquaintances, you are still unreachable for him. You are so far away from his grasp, and he knows that clearer than the water dripping down from the leaves. The difference in contrast between you and Kiyoomi is already visible in anyone's eyes. You are the spring, and he is winter.

Neither of them were meant to clash and tumble against one another to intertwine the result of their actions. The level of idiocy for Kiyoomi to think that it may be possible to become closer to you in such a short span of time is laughable, even he, himself, would laugh at it if he wanted to. Kiyoomi says he will not get attached to you but look at him, craving for your presence so endlessly without any shame. Everyday Kiyoomi gets more and more conflicted with his feelings, it makes him feel so vulnerable.

Listening to the headmaster's speech is out of the question. Kiyoomi have not even listened to anything nor anyone to this very moment of the ceremony. Kiyoomi only wishes to turn back and run away to find where you are.

Thus with those years spent only for you to give him gifts without him doing anything in return makes him realize how awful he is. Years not understanding what kind of person you are while Kiyoomi is not able to puke out the emotions crashing strongly inside him is painful enough to do. For once, he felt inferior to your presence even when he had memorized the things he wanted to tell you the moment you and him are locked by each others' gaze.

The childish and rebellious arguments he had with himself resulted into nothingness. How was he supposed to get closer with someone whose number he does not even know even during the last day of being a student in Itachiyama?

Exactly, he could never.


	8. Chapter 8

Crush your health for money. If money is what you need, then your wellbeing shall be the sacrifice. Do not let your school make your concentration stop, do not let those mocking comments of those people prob your fragile heart. If you are unable to even help your own parents, you are the most futile among the others.

"You should take a rest now, (F/n)."

Your mother gently pats the back of your head. Making you slowly look away from your piano to see the figure of your mother whose hands are rough from doing the housework. "Can I play a little longer, please?" you plead with a melancholic smile.

It feels so wrong, to miss graduation day just because you have a performance scheduled. The churning envy of those people who gets to see Kiyoomi in the last day of school is one of the reason to your torment. Even if Kiyoomi does not think much of you, you still wish to see him on the very last day. You question yourself, is this feeling even called 'admiring' anymore?

"Can you play me your favorite one?" your mother requests. Her touch no longer warms your chest. It is disappointing to say the least.

Your beautiful lie proceeds to enchants your own mother, "Of course, I'm in a great mood to do so now."

Honestly you are just memorizing how your finger moves in that specific music. You had gone deaf from the stress piling up and piano feels more like memorizing things instead of sincerely enjoying it. An even better and constructive feeling you had towards Kiyoomi felt similar to how you used to play the piano. The distinctive admiration you had for him was awfully different from Atsumu and any other pianists.

Probably, your heavy thoughts are the cause of you to overthink such things. Of course it is admiration, you have convinced yourself that any romantic relationships is not something you will be interested in nor do you think it is even a good idea to involve yourself in one. Even so, you still cannot explain the usual glee you would often feel every time you place a gift under his desk.

A different feeling, something deeper than admiration. But maybe you are just going crazy from the piano you see every day.

The night is still early, the full moon is ephemeral specific only to this day, and the glittered music you play just sounded untoward for the beautiful night. Music is what you have always love yet for this certain day your music is what you want to tear apart viciously by the vice nails of your fingers.

And your fingers stopped playing.

A day with the Miya twins, sounds way better than how it will actually go, does it? Of course. They are probably the most problematic twins to exist if you take in consideration for the excessive bantering and actual arguments they would usually have everyday. Hence this time, they are being noisy in a restaurant, and Shinsuke is not here to save your sanity.

"Hey 'Tsumu, your hands are all over the table. Get 'em away from me, you're radiating more idiocy today and I'm gonna get infected by it."

"Shut yer trap! I didn't even invite you here to have lunch with (F/n) in the first place!"

"Oh my god, can you guys please stop arguing on front of my ramen? They're allergic to dumb twins."

Yes, this is what you have to deal with whenever the twins are around. As much as you are capable of handling them it is much more painful without the presence of Shinsuke. "No comment." Osamu said while stuffing himself with an onigiri.

You were not really expecting Atsumu to invite you out for a lunch when he had unexpectedly came all the way from Hyogo with Osamu to drag you out during your free day. Though, it is not necessarily that bad since the three of your are significantly close to one another, especially Atsumu who is the closest to you out of anyone else.

Atsumu clears his throat, "Anyways, how was graduation? Didja confess your love to Omi-Omi? I bet you got rejected real bad!" he assumes confidently.

Love? How funny. Furthermore you are still troubled by your own unnecessary thoughts plundering as it forces itself to be merged into your own actions, and Atsumu's mention of 'confessing' this feelings of yours to be love does not make it any better, it really does not. The hot ramen feels cold judging from the surface of the bowl, or is it your palms that are cold instead of the food?

"Actually, I kind of missed out graduation day because of the performance I had. And Ameterasu was so obliged on having me there even though I didn't even reject the offer." you shrugged it off, continuing to eat your ramen.

There are so many things to worry and think of, and you hate it. It would be preferred if things go as how it is planned by God but God decides to create you as an over thinker, sounds very pleasant for a commoner like you. Implanting these feelings you fabricate as admiration without fully having a grasp of the definition would only be beautiful for those simpleminded people, and you are nowhere near the term simple.

Hyogo's setter whistles, impressed by your capabilities to remain so calm in which of not being able to stay in touch with Kiyoomi who had been a conversation topic for a while now between you two. "You missed out Omi-Omi for money? Ouch... Do you want his number? I'm supportive with my best friend's first crush, so no need to thank my nice ass!" Atsumu suggests, pointing his chopsticks right at you while Osamu quietly takes the tuna his twin ordered.

"I think it's pointless for me to tell you that it's not like that." you chuckle.


	9. Chapter 9

Just like that, your life with Kiyoomi's passes on so easily. Kiyoomi became a professional volleyball player in the MSBY Black Jackals team, and you managed to repay all of the debt your family used to have now only to continue to pleasantly gain more money to guarantee a good future. It sounds so easy, does it not?

But really, it was that easy because the two of you never indulged further enough to have any parties being tormented by one's fragment of memory. And to be so invested into someone whose phone number you do not have is much funnier than you had expected.

A formal suit you would always wear on plays, now you are wearing them in a ball where Ameterasu is supposedly your partner for this dance somehow. It was a party hosted by some important people to which you never really took great concern of, and Ameterasu made you her partner for the dance. Which is quite weird because everyone else had taken their other half as their partner.

The famous pianist whose suit is worn to be the dancing partner of a worldwide famous musician in a white dress.

'Man... I hope there won't be any articles about 'The shocking romantic development between two pianists named (F/n) (L/n) and Ameterasu Hideko!' or something like that.'

Walking beside Ameterasu, she grabs your hand without any sort of hesitation. "I believe talking while dancing could be a better way for us to understand each other better instead of arguing before an important play, is it not?" she asks, studying your fingers with hers unknowingly to your information. Man, you really have to thank these high heels that managed to make you appear taller than Ameterasu who agrees to not wear any shoes with heels.

Because one, it would be awkward to see the girl in a suit to be shorter than their partner. But one bad thing about this, you are not the best with wearing these type of shoes which took a lot of effort and practice to get used to.

Oh right, it also costs a lot of money.

"Interrogation during a dance? Your taste is truly graceful, Hideko-senpai." you applaud.

The music starts to play and Ameterasu pulls her hand like an invitation to the world she lives in. A world where passion burns her world and yet it is filled with a permanent flower that carries her dream. Surely, you were glad that you taught yourself some waltz before you embarrass yourself here.

Her touch parches your soul, every step by the red carpet covering the white and slightly reflective floor. The pillars and people in your sight disappears the more you let yourself being drawn by her beauty in the ball. You would much rather walk on the evergreen stone floors before you came into the ball, Ameterasu's elegance would be more dominant on that specific area the two of you walked on before coming in here.

"I don't see the point on being here. Why does that rich person wanted to be surrounded by these weird variety of famous people?" you say, pulling Ameterasu by her waist. Is it turning like a romantic scenario now? Maybe you are just overthinking it.

Ameterasu giggles, "I thought you were the type to love money in whatever situation. Now you're complaining about a private party you were paid to come?"

"Where did the money lover pianist I've known for all these years go now?"

With the restrain of your sharp gaze, Ameterasu's movement was delayed by it. She abruptly pauses, but you had somehow managed to make it seem natural as you stopped almost immediately. "I still love money, don't get me wrong. But... I don't have anything to worry much until i overwork myself for money now." you smile, gesturing her to continue before the two of you might bump onto a couple.

Someone rich had paid you to come to their party, you did not really know them, but they really gave you no permission to decline the offer no matter how much you wanted to reject it. It was a person whose bond is rather strong with Ameterasu, in which she asks you to be her partner in the ball. It was not like you had anyone else to ask, so you reluctantly accepted.

In whatever occasion the party was for, you did not paid any attention at all. It would be rude if you had not come, and you already promised with Ameterasu in the first place.

"... I've always known you were the type to overwork yourself. But I don't understand why someone would be so hardworking and honest in the terms of money. These toxic people I've met so far whose eyes are all out for money are disgusting, but I can't say the same about you."

She starts to follow your step again in the ball,  
"Why do you blind yourself to money with so much honesty? I don't understand you at all, and it frustrates me."

Ameterasu's words does not confuse you nor does it even pains you. It was understandable that she would feel upset to have someone in the likes of you to be in the industry, and it was understandable that someone would have different view when it comes to people in general, including Ameterasu herself. She is merely stating things that she ought to see in her point of view, and whether or not if it depicts who you are is not something worth for you to feel troubled.

You just wanted to make your parents happy, that is really all there is to this mockery. To make them feel at ease by the dissolving debt in those papers, and to feel satisfied about yourself for being able to bring colors in this dull house. "You probably know that I don't live in the best family in terms of money. But I still love them." you sung out softly.

Spinning her slowly, tucking in strands of her hair to the back of her ear. "I believe you're not the type of senior to leak someone's story, so I'm telling you this; ━"

"Is it bad for a child to dig the hard soil until ripping her nails open to obtain the money that can make her family condition better, solely out her own will?"

Ameterasu's expression slightly pales as she realizes that she had misjudged someone who is her definition of a kind person to be a money grubber. Reflexively, you smile out of satisfactory to let those words run through your lips and that heavy weight on your chest finally loosens as the music stops playing. The man who is holding a mic on the stairs began talking regarding the party, but neither of you acknowledge anything he says.

If it is not guilt that she feels on the heavy weight of her chest, what else it may be?


	10. Chapter 10

Guilt is poisonous, a red wine so bitter it abrades your throat. The guilt you have held on because of Kiyoomi's temporary gift. Or how you had left him hanging on the ceremony.

"You don't have to force yourself to drink something you don't like, okay?" Ameterasu pries the glass of wine from your fingers, you nod. The party is still early and her hazelnut eyes kept being strained by your displeased expression on the taste of the red liquid. Those who stuck long enough with her are well informed to her charms, Ameterasu is the one she proclaims to be the star that shines the brightest, yet her words can only threaten you whenever you are around.

The black haired girl straightens her posture, drinking the red wine from your glass. You threw your gaze elsewhere under the starry night within this balcony where only the two of you occupies the current area.

"Do you have anyone you love, (L/n)?" your eyes widen from the question. You would much rather have her insult you instead of unraveling your current status. "You've always seem disinterested with love judging from those articles. Have someone melted your cold heart, dear?"

"I never knew you were the type to talk about these things." you furrow your eyebrows, but still smiling. Kiyoomi comes inside your head in an instance and you had honestly thought you were drunken by the small gulp of wine. 

Alas, you are not the type to fool yourself that Kiyoomi coming inside your head was just an odd timing. You are sure that Kiyoomi is in fact someone you consider to be special in your life despite how insignificant you are for him. Lumps of pathetic emotions and confusion erstwhile crawls under your skin uncomfortably.

Ameterasu could only stifle a soft laughter, "Well, I am still a woman in the end."

It is true, even if she is so oddly formal and her voice remains monotone yet melodic at the same time, she holds an immense amount of interest regarding love which is depicted perfectly in her music. Back then, there was a huge news of Ameterasu's sudden affair with a wealthy man, some say that it was an arranged relationship, but you are not that dumb to not realize her loving eyes when she sees that man even if it was arranged. However that man recently had fled away to marry another woman, dropping everything he had built up until now.

To make someone feel like they are the only thing that matters in the world just from a mere gaze, you wish it would be that simple in your case where love cease to exist and your head is full of your family needs and money. And to reckon a man to receive such endless love from a woman like Ameterasu only to run away without a proper reasoning sounds awfully disgusting.

You did not like where this conversation is going, but you went with the flow. "I find it bothersome. I don't think I have every fallen in love either way... "

"Really? Your heart never flutter around someone, or maybe you would always find them first no matter how far they are? Or maybe you would always try to make them happy even if it's not through direct things or maybe you would simply smile whenever they ar-" Ameterasu suddenly coughs in an attempt of stopping herself. "Excuse me for my manners." she says, as if her previous statement had never been spoken.

Your heart never fluttered for anyone. You would like to ask yourself if it is broken or not, but it was dumb of you to think that the answer would be revealed so easily. "Never, not even once." Or so, you think.

A masculine voice calls out for you.

"Not even for me?"


	11. Chapter 11

"Oh, Atsumu."

Atsumu grins devilishly, "You didn't answer my question." he demands an answer despite the two of you already knew what your reply would be without the need to express it. Ameterasu on the other hand is rather curious if you have an affair with this piss-haired individual, but it is indeed too good to be true and she knows it subconsciously.

You let your right hand run through his hair. You are not obliged to answer his question nor does he have any rights to force you to do so, as if there is this bantering you are doing with him through each others mind to the point where Ameterasu steps in, "Is this a friend of yours, (F/n)?" she asks.

"Were best friends! The name is Atsumu Miya, nice to meet ya." Atsumu replies with confidence.

"Ameterasu Hideko, I'm interested on knowing more about (F/n) here if you may." Ameterasu requests, showing off her utmost charming smile. First name basis already? You never knew she is the type to act all friendly. At this point on you had already ignored their chatting regarding your life before, if she wanted to interrogate you further she could have just asked so to you. Although you never really pointed that out to her so perhaps it is only natural for her to dig up further information from someone else.

Now that money is all that you have you want to retire so badly, you feel like your ears will break the more you hear these screeching noises of the piano.

Maybe you should retire soon, but your future without the piano is yet to be guaranteed. Therefore such flippant music coming from a dead object is the only thing that is killing you slowly after the many rendezvous with another stage once again, more and more. Until you fall apart and feel like the lowest cripple alive.

Don't you just love it to think so negatively the moment you have nothing else to distract you?

"Hey, Atsumu. Why are you here?" you ask him nicely, which ought to make him shiver by the lack of ill intention of your voice.

Atsumu coughs in a poor attempt of clearing his throat to make his voice cooler, "We were invited of course. I didn't really wanna join in anything fancy... but those tangerine and owl duo kept buggin' me and Omi-kun." he summarizes.

You hum as a reply until you finally realized something a few seconds afterwards.

Kiyoomi is here.

Why are you suddenly feeling nervous? Why is remorse piling up inside you so much that it made your body tense? It's rather confusing to suddenly feel things that makes your insides churn responsively, it makes you feel sick that you want to puke. The winery the party put up, you felt the urge to drink a glass of honey mead as some sort of refreshment.

"You look pale." Ameterasu whispers to your ear. Her concern is addressed perfectly from her voice and it made you cringe. Atsumu on the other hand is trying to flirt with the waitress who is only supposed to serve him a drink. Earthy, floral, and fruity aroma of the wine embracing your nostrils. Despite being not a huge fan of wine itself the scent it gives off is calming. You would at least try to make you feel calmer, but your throat felt so dry that it would almost be enough to kill you every time you inhale or exhale.

Such improper mannerisms you have to feel disgusted by the fragrance coming from luxurious items. "Nah, it's probably just the light making me look like a vampire." yet Ameterasu does not follow your words, she meticulously picks up more signs of your stiff movements. Defeatedly, you let out your breath as you have just realized that you had been keeping it in for a while.

"Alright, I'm going to the toilet. Please take care of that annoying friend of mine while I'm gone. Feel free to interrogate him since you're so into me, Ameterasu."

"Then I would use your permission to the fullest." Ameterasu shoots a bright smile. She is a very unique woman even if you past with her is not the best.


	12. Chapter 12

Step by step, the heels of your shoes were not the only objects to be heard of in this crowded party. The clanking sound of cutlery, the profitable conversations these successful people are having, and the venomous laughter of women who seeks to be acknowledged in the eyes of these wealthy men. Those bickers and small noises from such dead objects are annoying.

But then then your eyes widens by the sight of a familiar man in a suit. If this were a romance movie you would have reached out for him and call him darling.

The one whom you never could see more as someone who you had always admire despite the many assumptions of your peers that you do hold such feelings for this man. Kiyoomi Sakusa, it is truly a cliche timing, is it not?

Under the golden lights.

In the midst of a blooming party.

The fragrance of wine.

So many things to be distracted with, but your gazes and his were locked hopelessly. Kiyoomi does not waste his time, a simple large step and his hands vice grip does not seem to let you off so easily.

"You." Kiyoomi starts off hastily. Thus as the clock notifies the party soon to end while the sun is above the building, Kiyoomi does not let you go. Any human can see those desires of his through his eyes and fear the man they witness to be exceeding the capabilities they thought he can do when it comes to you. "You're (F/n) (L/n) from Itachiyama right? The girl who kept giving me... gifts." his sentence becomes weaker in the end of his breath.

"Yes. It's been a while hasn't it, Sakusa?" you manage a proper response.

A party where you have a fever of thirty-eight degrees Celsius creeping up on your face the moment you feel his strong hand holding yours. Fascination, admiration, and beauty. Those familiar feeling you used to have for him suddenly pours back into your empty jar and fills it up more than it needed. Nostalgia, it is more powerful than what you had imagined.

Kiyoomi stumbles on front your figure. Finally letting go of your hand but his expression demands you to stay. "Why━" he pauses, rethinking to his choice of words. For the past few years while the two of you were apart you never once had any special feelings for the male, while he on the other hand, denies his feelings at first and then embraces it the moment he realizes that the chances of never seeing you again was higher than the numbers he wanted.

To fall in love with someone whose number he does not even know. To fall in love with someone who never ought much about him even as an admirer. Kiyoomi's luck is confusing enough for him to understand.

"Why didn't you come to the school ceremony?" Kiyoomi asks, his voice is hoarse and the texture of it is similar to a rough and old rushmat. His fatigue comes in the moment he sees you, as if he had already expected to see you although the timing was incomprehensible because he was never ready, not even once even if he forced himself to believe so.

You of course, was taken aback by his question. Ceremony? The one you missed for money? Kiyoomi kept thinking about it even when he is already an adult?

"I never really told you about myself haven't I? I'm a professional pianist, I've always had a tight schedule after enrolling into Itachiyama, Sakusa."

But it is too bad that you who call yourself a pianist, whose hands are tainted by money and your priorities never being consistent, there was so purpose to even call yourself a pianist if you think like that in your opinion. Discomforting, a swaying tide of noon embraces you. Entwining your hands with yourself solely, the lack of care of your own future once you feel like everything you have accomplished does not need your attentive sight no more.

Henceforth, you secretly wish to be accompanied by someone you care about. Even if it is temporary, you wish to be able to share these nonexistent feelings with someone.

Kiyoomi has too many things to say, and so little time to spare. And out of the hoard of questions inside his head, he manages to say the most important one.

"We should meet up again."


	13. Chapter 13

"Omi-kun, you're definitely crushing with (F/n)-sama." Atsumu says bluntly once more.

...Sama ? Surely he could have used a better honorific than that, but your superiority versus his had already been decided the moment you gave him such a heartfelt and supportive message. Especially with his lack of maturity at some times unlike you.

Kiyoomi furrows his eyebrows, he could only clench the towel in his hands but he wishes he could just throw it at him. But considering the amount of germs someone in the likes of Atsumu already gave him a bunch of red lights right off the bat. It was a normal volleyball practice the MSBY often do for fun yet the moment Atsumu keeps pointing out about Kiyoomi's crush towards you during breaks annoys him, especially with Shoyo and Koutaro the classic tangerine son and own dad duo only fueling Kiyoomi's anger with more questions.

He would just shake it off and admit it to feel the satisfaction seeing their priceless expressions, but then he can never see the end of it afterwards. "Do you want me to pour my sanitizer into that crappy mouth of yours?" Kiyoomi threatens Atsumu, taking out his sanitizer out of nowhere. 

Shivering, Atsumu retreats as he finally tries to signal the other two children to stop. But without a doubt they did not get his indication the slightest, which means it is Atsumu's queue to let Kiyoomi take them down the harder way.

Kiyoomi feels like he is being swarmed by children in a body of adults, one is regretting his life choices behind these two children, one is jumping like a madman (Kiyoomi hopes Shoyo would jump so high his head gets stuck to the ceiling one day) and the other one is making incoherent noises that are not humane enough for Kiyoomi to interpret in his brain.

"If you don't like her, then why are you so happy whenever she's mentioned?! You know, you're always smiling behind that mask and I can feel it, it's super rare!!" Koutaro objects Kiyoomi's reply for Atsumu and Shoyo nods excitingly beside the owl. Is it not obvious enough that you are once his oasis that he had lost shamefully due to his lack of care and being comfortable with those minor interactions?

"Even if I do it's none of your business." Kiyoomi slightly clenches his teeth, ashamed on how he had become such a cringeworthy man ever since he had met a fan who made him feel things he is sure to be love.

Your voice nor words does not make his heart flutter incredibly, instead there was this comforting tone that makes him feel calmer. Of course feeling flustered is only natural when Kiyoomi had not seen you for years, but now that he is aware of your existence that is so close with his makes him feel much more composed than he used to be. A professional volleyball player and a professional pianist, those two theme clashes in however volleyball was the first thing that made you attracted to Kiyoomi's beauty.

"Did ya get her number though?" Atsumu asks in a weirdly well mannered tone. Atsumu is not really surprised to learn that Kiyoomi had fallen for you. He had this gut feeling a long time ago that Kiyoomi might get attached to you sooner or later.

Even if you were public to your addiction towards money he is aware that you are doing so for the sake of your family. Atsumu would call you a good person but he would probably get nagged by your usual 'There is no such thing as a good or bad person ' lecture. You are a good person, and there is no question that Kiyoomi would fall in love with you.

Kiyoomi did not respond. His ears were red and that is more than what Atsumu would call a satisfying reply with these information singing rapidly.

Though, Atsumu still seeks for your definition of beauty that you find in Kiyoomi.


	14. Chapter 14

You are inseparable from the piano even if you are not able to savor the beauty properly. It is ill mannered of you to make those professionals detest your display of this music you play, or at least that is what they say.

A strong bond, a strong source of money, it is everything you need. It is only natural of you to feel like something is lacking the more you play in such a horrendous way. As if the strongest bond not even God can break is actually an artificial thing once you noticed the shallowness you have within yourself.

"I will retire soon." 

You hum calmly, your palms holding the warm cup of tea Ameterasu prepared for you. Ameterasu's house is as extravagant as you had thought. She extends her hand to hold yours and the pastiness of her face really screams how shocked she is to hear that.

Ameterasu's unpigmented plain dress fits the silence between you and her.

I mean, you are THE unpredictable pianist, (F/n) (L/n). The one that those professionals could not break despite those judgements of your honesty, and even despite the fact that you are not the most famous pianist alive, no one would think of you, out of all people in the music industry to actually retire. Not even in a million year for Ameterasu who had always watched you from afar would even expect you to say those simple words to be spoken out through deep thoughts to be spoken out so blatantly.

Ameterasu Hideko does not understand you no matter how hard she tries to do so. Were your declarations that you speak of so solemnly about keeping your career and rampaging through the money you get. Now that she is replaying those words of yours, they sounded so dull.

She hesitates to hold your hand, stopping midway and pulling it back. "That's so sudden. Are you sure? Did something happened?" Ameterasu asks, her voice without a doubt is much hoarse now due to the news. She feels sick knowing that you are adamant to your words and decisions, and this one will not pass on so easily.

"I just feel like it."   
Odd, everything feels so odd. She could not tell if you were lying, but she could feel some parts of those words are the truth. Are you doubting yourself? Is this just a joke?

"When do you plan on retiring?" Ameterasu avoids to even look at you. She knew she would not be able to persuade you, it is only normal for someone who had been watching you and confronting you about you wicked ways to understand how would you even act in these situations. She is full of information regarding you, so then why...

Are you avoiding the question?

Taking a gulp of the last liquid remaining, you shift your gaze to the door, visibly planning on leaving her house already. Even with the white pillars and the marble tiles are unable to lure you despite of how luxurious it is, the worldwide famous musician cannot help but to see the flicker in devastation stinging in her own eyes. She is not crying because of the utter hatred towards you to retire without a proper explanation.

She is crying on your behalf. Your lack of emotions that could make you retire in a sudden timing and it rhymes with the mechanized clock. It did not came to her━ no, it never came to her, the information that someone can throw away something so dear because that person never thought of herself in the end. There is a dearth of emotions inside you when it comes to your own passion, she regretted calling you a naïve child.

In the end the one who is naïve is none other than Ameterasu herself.


	15. Chapter 15

"Today was fun. Thank you, Sakusa!"

Your voice chirped so beautifully, as if the wrenching conversation yesterday never happened. You still hold the title of the infamous (or maybe famous?) pianist today, you don't know when to actually retire. Something continued to hum alongside with your heartbeat when that topic occurs to you in the most random moments.

Were you not sure of signing your own retirement?

Kiyoomi's eyes falls onto your figure, his expression did not soften but he could feel his heart melt once he sees you.

"Don't thank me." he says, not wasting another second to reply. He wishes to understand you better for a long time, Kiyoomi had spent years only accepting your support for him until your whereabouts had never reached him. However that no longer bothers him now that he can finally feel the warmth of your hands.

Ignore the people among you two clamor, let the breeze of spring finally embrace him with a serene feeling, while Kiyoomi feels happy with you on his side. You are something he had been apart from since ages, and he does not plan on being separated from you again. Kiyoomi feels so many things all at once, but your heart barely skipped a beat, barely. Kiyoomi is aware that it would be awkward because the two of you had never talked properly, but he thinks it would not hurt to try. Kiyoomi had never craved something to the extent where he is desperate for it except for volleyball.

Curiosity, your curiosity overwhelms you who only has a sufficient amount of care to shove your money in it. "Why did you want to hang out? You know you could have just ignored me and pretend like we don't know each other. Heck, how did you even know it was me?" you say, did that come off as rude? Who knows.

Kiyoomi expected that sort of question from the start of the day. Thus, you may assume that he had already fleshed out an elaborate answer for this. Kiyoomi did, but do you really think it would be that simple just saying the truth that he is miserably attracted to his fan whom he had not seen for years?

'Because I've fallen in love with you for the past few years.'

Alright, let me rephrase it. It is impossible for Kiyoomi to answer that so bluntly. Kiyoomi can already see you shunning him down amidst the crowd late at night outside the café. "You've been nice to me back then, I thought I'd pay it back to you somehow." Kiyoomi diverts his eyes away from yours in a timid manner that refutes his unbothered voice.

"Is that out of obligation?"

"Do you want it to be out of my obligation?" he retorts.

You took a step back, amused by how quickly he questions your own question. Truthfully you were not expecting this, but it did not harm you did it not? So you leisurely smile without looking at him straight into his eyes, instead you took a particular interest in the small cat sleeping on the side of the bushes.

A lonely stray cat, paws dirtied from the dirt, covered in dust and other particles. The one who is lost, the white cat whose colors cannot be resembled anymore by the filth it is covered in. You are no saint, you simply pitied the cat but you do not make an attempt to save it. Humans are hypocrites, they point their disgusting fingers to those they title to be heartless even when those people who judge the heartless are nowhere better than them most of the time. It is useless to judge what is morally good or bad. Everyone has their own view and neither of them can we actually call it to be correct.

"I suppose if it's out of your own kindness sounds better for me." you chuckle, focusing yourself back towards Kiyoomi. "It's not like you are the type to even feel obligated."

Because the winter is not supposed to feel much warmer to other people. No, could it be that he was never winter to begin with? That could be the case, but he had only changed so little since the last time you had seen him. Albeit, you are unable to identify the reason of his tender expression he is making on front of you. How strange, Kiyoomi Sakusa is a strange man.


	16. Chapter 16

"Hey Atsumu, why do people get married?"

Suddenly, the warm pancake Atsumu is eating grew cold in his mouth. The folklore he had already been accustomed to suddenly vanishes the moment you placed that fork down on the plate of pancakes of your batch. Never once in his entire life he had ever imagined you to ask such a bizarre question related to love out of the blue.

With his ears that hears those words so clear, Atsumu gulps the pancake slowly, and uncertainly. Your grisly question made him want to choke out all of the pancakes he had already digested. Your parents' house is quiet and rather big. Which gave him a reason to feel more nervous early in the morning.

Atsumu is aware of Kiyoomi's long term crush on you, he would often snicker at Kiyoomi's devastating attempt to ask more about you from Atsumu since he would always turn back. Eventually enough, Kiyoomi would be brave enough to learn more about you through her one and only best friend because you are not showing any signs of interest upon Kiyoomi. But is it possible that you would be the one questioning about Kiyoomi first? If so, Atsumu would be pleased. Although he could not help but to feel tense by this topic he is not familiar with.

"Because they love each other!" Atsumu states confidently.

"I know that you idiot. But why is marriage even important? To move in, and to see that person every time you wake up, isn't it tiring?"

For some reason, it makes sense but it does not at the same time. Do you think that having a lover would be similar to your private paparazzi? How adorable. Even so, it still bothers him why you are suddenly invested into this sort of topic. Atsumu could not give her an answer, even if he wanted to, he has no idea how to properly form it into words. And for a person like you who relies more on written or stated things rather than your own emotions, it is hardly convincing even if Atsumu attempted to say it out for you.

Atsumu gives her a confused look, which sort of came off as a grimace but you did not mind it at all. "...Are you okay? Why are ya so interested in this topic all of the sudden?" Atsumu pokes your arm with the other side of the fork he is holding.

To wear a wedding dress, or being cradled lovingly by another man. Engrossed by your own thoughts, you could not help but sigh loudly. Venom laced through that scanty sigh of yours and it was highly anticipated from Atsumu himself. Unusual would not be the best word for this matter to even explain the rarity of this conversation you are having with your long term friend.

The pancakes were lacking its taste but you kept on chewing it and stuffing yourself with it. Everything about this moment you two are having is surreal, neither of you are persuaded by reality itself. "I.. I don't know. I'm just curious how it feels like to think so highly of someone until you would do anything for them." you utter bashfully, certain that Atsumu would mock the living hell of you, but he did not. Instead you were served a fresh and mind wrenching question from the lovely individual.

"What about Omi-kun?"

Kiyoomi?  
He is a beautiful being.

Kiyoomi Sakusa is neither the sun or moon, nor is he the light that illuminates your life or the dark that you fear the most. Kiyoomi is the season who mostly fits the epitome of winter, just like every human beings who are blooming and changing like the humid air that would either correlate or vanish depending on the seasons itself. He is a talented volleyball player that had taken your interest just like Atsumu Miya.

He is not insignificant, yet is he not significant at the same time. Kiyoomi stays in the middle of that line you create and it confuses you. For with the press of his strength and skills that brings distress to the very court he stand on once it touches the ball, you find pleasure in watching him. Kiyoomi is the man who becomes successful while seeking for his own joy in volleyball, and thus making you the pianist whose eyes are blinded by money. You only wish to support him at what he does, same case as Atsumu Miya who had impressed you with their setting skills.

But you do indeed, feel the small change of your emotions inside whenever you see Kiyoomi. You do not wish to involve yourself to the point where it may irritate Kiyoomi, but even if that is not the case you only wish to watch him. That alone is enough to satisfy you. 

"I don't know. Isn't it the same just like how I treat you? I gave both of you gifts, and it's the same thing." you strike back, stabbing the pancake viciously with the fork which causes Atsumu to choke on his own saliva. 

It is still funny how you and Atsumu managed to keep track of each other online. Being so busy with the schedule of an adult is already frustrating, but at least Atsumu is having fun unlike you━ who is in a verge of retiring, and he is also in a verge of death if he were shameless enough to utter another word.

Atsumu is a curious man, he takes interest to the things he does not know about you. And right now what truly caught his attention is that slight flicker of adoration you had in your eyes when you witness Kiyoomi's heavy breathing the moment he held your hand and notices its warmth back in the party.


	17. Chapter 17

You wish for money and what you show is your laziness. Everything about you is confusing yet those confusing aspects of yours are only mysteries that the reporters see as a fountain of discourse and gossip for their articles. It does not get worse, it does not get any better either. Honesty is your basis and it is indeed the easiest thing to do if you were to be confronted by any misleading dramas.

Alone you wander, your fingers finally slipped away from the keys of the piano. If you cannot embrace the piano, you wish to have someone to hold. Miserably, or in your best condition, you want to cling onto something.

The piano makes you feel so many things all at once, or so little. Nothing makes sense in your world, only the beauty matters, and your pain seems to be beautiful in the eyes of those music fanatics whose money you devour. Your pain gets misunderstood and mistreated so viciously by those outsiders, but you never cared about them. All faith you have held for this world you live in never existed, not even once. Beauty is the only thing you seek, even at your worst.

"I want to take a break from the music industry for a while." the television repeated a line you said so publicly. Panting, you quickly searched for the remove and shut it off immediately. Legs tangled between the blankets and you fell from your bed, crashing and making no effort to even stand on your own feet anymore.

Your gaze kept jumping to multiple objects in your room as you played again what you had said so calmly in that public show. It was such a horrible move that you managed to cringe over it for the next few hours.

The answer never lies on the palm of your hands, it was never there. It is a game where the privilege to pick whether or not you want to retire does not even allow the own player to chose it. Your knees are weak and all the weight of your physical and mental stress is now placed on this small head of yours, which makes you want to self destruct in a way or another. Humans are confusing to understand, and that does not exclude yourself. But the difference in each beings while not having a full grasp of what they are really like no matter for how long you have known them, it is fascinating.

Not wishing to think of the future, you can only think of the past. Kiyoomi's figure next to you back in the café. 

Even under the starry night where the two of you had stood on a wide bridge, the pond illuminates the stars above it, the flowers are beautiful too and the support from the faint music in the back of your head compliments it. More and more, there were so many things you can find beautiful in that place, even almost close to perfection. 

"A café? I thought Omi-kun doesn't like those type of places that much?"

Heck, you wanted to know that too. Kiyoomi's distress towards germs never once withered, but he invited to you to a café for only God knows how many germs even exists in that place. But, you have always been an overthinker, so this is probably just another useless information.

In a beautiful toxic world nothing no longer makes sense. In which humans yarn the information they gather from their surroundings, a gruesome truth that they never wanted to hear awaits for each one of them. Knitting slowly into their skin, crawling, until they sleep forever inside the soil. But here you are embracing everything, seeing the beauty inside those awful remarks. But Kiyoomi Sakusa's beauty is truly an agonizing one. But if someone were to ask you what is beautiful about him, you step backward only knowing that it causes you to fall.

Indeed, his skills are glorifying. But that does not exactly feel like the perfect basis of your admiration. And if you were to look back at your conversation with Atsumu, you do not like him.

Kiyoomi Sakusa sometimes stand in the middle of the line you create no matter what subject you wish to seek. You do not feel uncomfortable around him but at the same time you cannot help but to feel like something is missing the moment you converse. Engaging in anything related to him, what you feel is actually questionable. They say humans only wish to believe what they want to believe. You are not in love with Kiyoomi, you never were, but you want to feel that way.

The two of you are not friends nor lovers. Both are attracted to one another in different ways. If there is anyone you wish to fall for no matter how much it would hurt, it would be Kiyoomi. Because he is beautiful. Or perhaps this term you speak of is a misunderstanding of your own?

Or are you just simply lonely?


	18. Chapter 18

There is this acquaintance of yours who recently proposed to you so suddenly in such a fascinating scenery deserves better. A rich man who had fallen for someone who is depicted such a vile and ugly personality in the words of those reporters. What is it that he sees in someone like you? The lithe Ameterasu would make much sense to fall for. She is a woman who has everything if it is indeed true that perfection is what men fall for.

This executive man who had fallen for you is a fool. A fool who thought they had the slightest bit of chance to make the relentless you flutter by their money even if they may have held actual feelings for you. That does not excuse for their poor attempt of making your heart to skip a beat.

You harbor these memories under your skin, you remember how that man had constantly treasured you, but you felt absolutely nothing for him. What a pity. Despite being in a

"You're here."

Fervor florescences, these amber emotions of yours are similar to the reflection in Kiyoomi's orbs. With no particular reason, your hands that are holding the railings firmly are now touching with Kiyoomi's from below. Although the gloves makes it hard for you to feel his fingers properly, you can notice how his posture is more tense. Kiyoomi is more touchy than how he used to be, and it plants many questions in your head.

"Nope! I'm not here, I'm the ghost of (F/n) (L/n)." you mock him. His hand on yours, you placed your other hand on top of his gently. "Is that the kind of answer you want?"

Oh, his hands are so much bigger than yours. How nice, Kiyoomi has this muscular figure and mature air around him despite being a child at heart. It is cute though, Kiyoomi Sakusa is cute in his own ways. "Anything that comes from you is okay for me." Kiyoomi says, intertwining his fingers with yours. A simple gesture that indicates his adoration towards you, but you did not flinch.

Anything is indeed a broad word. Anything is everything, and he is okay with whatever you intend to say. His hands does not fit yours at all, it feels like you are a pitiful prey in his vice grip and that he has your life in his fierce grasp already.

"That's a bold thing to say." you look at him much with an admiration that equals his fondness. Kiyoomi's adulation is something to learn more about.

Seizing your breath away, Kiyoomi's lips curled up to the sweetest and sincere smile ever to be expressed once he pulls his mask on his chin. This, this is the face Kiyoomi makes when he knows your attention belongs to him only, it is very unfair. You do not remember the last time someone's smile could be so beautiful. Your parents, your acquaintances, their smiles are heartwarming indeed, but Kiyoomi... being the embodiment of beautiful according to your book, it is already expected that his smile would be so infectious.

He is a creature that attracts the people who watches him on the court, and you appear to be one of those people whom Kiyoomi had attract. You too, are alike. You attract those whose eardrums are open to hear your halfhearted performance.

You smile back, "You should smile like this more often, Sakusa. It suits you." teasing him, your other hand glides to his cheek, caressing it gently. Kiyoomi's cascade full of love in one facial expression finally falls, ears flushed red as he tightens his hand that is locked with yours a tad bit. "Oh, this flustered version of you is a good one too." you point out, making him loosen his grip.

Hesitantly, he pulls his mask up again in order to cover his flushed face. You pull both of your hands back in defeat, not wanting to make him annoyed (even though you kind of did so already.) or upset. "Aside from that," Kiyoomi clears his throat poorly "Why are you going up? I thought we're supposed to meet in the cafe."

"You see that sign there?" you point to the wall beside the stairs, "Read it."

"...Toilet. Right, my bad."


	19. Chapter 19

Your legs crossed, a single soda drink on your hand while you are sitting down with Kiyoomi on front of your. The table separates you and him, such a shame.

"What do you want to do if you really end up retiring?" those words fly from Kiyoomi's lips under that mask of his. His eyes studies your expression thoroughly without a doubt, as though he cannot even believe your words due to how much your own emotions is a mystery for him.

Do nothing, and just rot eventually. You are not suicidal, you are not depressed either. You have only made yourself drunk from the money to the point where you are actually rotting in your wealthy condition. Nothing else interests you, and thta is the only statement you can be confident about. The one who calls herself unstoppable in the eyes of the viewers, your fingers are just nothing more than flesh that memorizes the piano without the need of a brain.

Money, money, and money.

"I don't know. I should've gotten married with that dude who proposed to be a few days ago so I can have a more... assured future." those words starts pulling Kiyoomi's hearts with sharp strings by your lack of notice.

Kiyoomi accidentally bites his tongue, he tries to keep the pain in and he nails it perfectly. "Someone proposed to you? Who?" he asks in a rather frantic voice. There are no objects for him to hold onto other than your hands and the table, Kiyoomi did not order anything to which he faintly regrets now because eating something would be a nice distraction from you.

"I barely know him, I don't even remember his name. I'm such an asshole aren't I?"

Relationships, Marriage, all of them can go to hell. Even if you wish to have your significant other next to you hand in hand, feeling their radiant energy that does not even compare to the sun itself. Leaving you ponder on them without a forethought of this poisonous and beautiful word, how wonderful would that be? But yet you still think it is a nuisance to be in one, considering how the girls in the music industry would often ramble about their partners, especially the drama they went through.

Everything related to love is such a hassle. All of it is confusing to the very core, understanding love is way much harder for you rather than making your own fingers numb from playing the piano too much. The information you have gathered about such obnoxious feelings, it can either be the best toy to destroy and pluck apart or the most fragile and important thing you would always take care of.

The chances are fifty-fifty to get either one of them, and to be hurt like that just because of your childish emotions... is laughable, even if you were the one to experience it. "It's good that you rejected him." Kiyoomi comments, carefully sharing how much he ought to take interest in your response to that executive who represents a ring before.

"Hm? Why is it good? Do you want to propose to me too, Sakusa?"

Truly, that question tempts Kiyoomi. He is, without a doubt, eager to propose to you here and now if only he had a ring with him to begin with. Your words is his scourge knowing that even if he were ready to ask you, it can only cause a fatal blow right in his face. So Kiyoomi decides to not answer it instead. Silence lingers and his gaze is still fix on your figure. He only flinches at your gestures, and nothing more than that.

And that of course, is Kiyoomi's lie. He can never shut his mouth properly around you.   
"Maybe, who knows?"

And your stomach is now full of butterflies.


	20. Chapter 20

Burnt newspaper that includes more gossips about your potential retirement, the rejected proposal that became public, and so on. It is pretty, the fire burns it into ashes whereas the smoke distances your vision. You do not seek God's salvation, but salvation seeks you, it awaits behind the door lingering around and listing your sins.

These threads tangled all over your finger is attached to nothingness. An empty, disposable shell, and that is you.

"What are you burning?"

You tilt your head, the night reeks of dark blue and the vague light from the moon illuminates Kiyoomi almost perfectly. He had been visiting your house more often now, during the whole holiday you have never been in touch with Ameterasu while Atsumu on the other hand is trying to spend more time with his former teammates back in Inarizaki.

"I thought you don't like the smoke?" you chuckle, throwing more of the paper to the fire on the ground. It is very convenient to have a backyard, for these type of purposes, that is.

Kiyoomi does not hesitate to walk over to you and take the remaining papers from your loose grip. No word has been spoken, Kiyoomi's mouth is shut while his gaze attentively studies the newspaper you are burning once he recognizes your name written on it; Ameterasu Hideko is in an affair with (F/n) (L/n)?! , (F/n) (L/n)'s potential retirement!' and so on. Finally, he plants his attention to you, expecting something coming out from those lips of yours.

You sigh, "I just feel like burning these today." snatching the newspaper from Kiyoomi, slightly pouting from uneasiness. "Why did you even barge in? It's already late." Kiyoomi darts his face away from your sharp glare, anxiety running through his head in a flash until he slowly looks at you.

Apparently your own house here is not that far away from wherever Kiyoomi stays, and there was that one time where he phoned you because he woke up with a cockroach in his room. Ah, and another time where the MSBY team was being too loud late at night too (or is he trying to make excuses?), you did not mind his presence that much though, eventually you gave Kiyoomi a copy of your house keys just in case if you are already asleep when he needs you. Funny enough, it is quite romantic.

"...I just feel like seeing you." he admits calmly.

And again, that fever fever of thirty-eight degrees Celsius rushes into you again just like how it happened back during the party where Kiyoomi rushes to feel your existence. An adequate feeling, your heart does not flutter, nor does you head goes all over the place. It just feels tranquil, and oddly warm, but in a good way. Presumably, he is your source of composure that makes you feel so many things all at once yet it does not overwhelm you. Perfect, I must say.

"Hmm, I thought I'm the one who's supposed to be needy for your presence here? Considering the fact that I am your fan." you tease him with a flicker of smug drawn onto your face.

Thus, to your irises glossed with sins, witnessing this chronicle riddled with dismay, you are indulging a life full of sinners and hypocrites. There is Kiyoomi who leads you away from any discomfort, a soothing wave at night without any issues befall upon. He is the compound, the mystery, and the calm tide. A hygienic man whose God bestows by offering him a mere pianist that blends in the crowd, a sea of humans with equal amount of complexity. Pure bliss.

"You never said that I can't admire you though." Kiyoomi stifles a soft laughter, adorable, it is really adorable.

Grinning childishly, you threw the rest of the papers in the fire, pointing right at Kiyoomi. "Then, I hereby promote you as me, (F/n) (L/n), the best pianist alive, number one fan!" one hand on your waist as the other one is addressing Kiyoomi's superiority over a mere delusional title.

"That sounds so childish..." he cringes internally, albeit slightly blushing behind his mask from the difference in your usual demeanor when making him your number one fan. "I guess I'll cope with that for now." Kiyoomi sighs. Unknown to you, he would much rather be your husband who knows no limits instead of a small fan. 

You, on the other hand, is still deep in thought about something else.   
'Should I really retire even though it's my best source of money?'


	21. Chapter 21

How did it end up like this?

Ameterasu Hideko's figure is pinning against yours on the vinyl floor, the ceiling in your living room is ever so clean and the mirror nearby reflects your pitiful gaze. A similar representation of a herbivore being dominated by the carnivore. Ironic, you would have laughed by now if it was not given to this current situation. Faces being a few centimeters apart, strands of her sable blackness in her were so long that some fell on your face, Ameterasu's sharp breathing renders her fingers tightly entwined with yours.

The glass of honey mead is spilled too. Indeed it is, a waste of drink that you can no longer savor when it is spilled. The same unpigmented dress she wore back when you confessed about your potential retirement. But today she rushed through the door once you opened it and she demands an answer.

"You're playing with my feelings, (F/n). When are you coming back? Do you really plan on retiring?"

Pain streams in her hazelnut orbs, mismatching her dominance. You do not intend on speaking up back to her, nor do you wish to even show and resistance. Ameterasu knows that too well, "I want to understand the person I'm seeing right now. I want to walk the same future as you." she rambles on and on, but all of her sentences and words flew past your head.

Until Ameterasu finally pauses, biting her bottom lip frustratingly as all of her polite façade dissolves into nothingness, "I love you." is the only thing you manage to hear.

Truly, her frustration is clearly formed in her bittersweet words. A pathetic sequence you cannot envision, the anonymous future. It does not anguish you, Ameterasu's words feels feeble and disposable. Her feelings does not mean anything to you. They are words, even if they make those so-claimed butterflies flutter in her stomach, you do not feel what she feels. Your lack of understanding, is it tiring? Or do you not care about it at all?

Ameterasu was not supposed to convey her feelings in such a rush. Henceforth, you have no information about this either. Replaying the waltz with her would be much more elegant for her rather than confessing while pinning you against the floor is so very uncanny in your opinion. "I adore you, (F/n). I truly do." Ameterasu grits her teeth, as if your pain is currently being digested by her and she feels all the horrid things you had been enduring. Her expression soften as she let out a small sigh, yet her strength does not do the same.

"For how long?" you ask hesitantly, trying to keep your composure despite the position you are in right now. She slowly drops her head on your chest, you can feel her breath vibrating, and her body becomes warmer per second. This whole love thing, you do not understand it at all.

"I don't know. Maybe after the party, or maybe years ago before the party. I truly do not understand my own feelings nor can I comprehend it. I'm not over my fiancé just yet, but everything feels so much better with you here."

You pause for a moment, "It must be a beautiful feeling." mumbling those words quiet enough so Ameterasu could not exactly hear it. Slowly and steadily, you wrap your arms around her waist, gently caressing her back like the breeze in autumn. Ameterasu despite her cold demeanor, she is stricken by these emotions piling up only resulting into utter disappointment and mournful memories she wishes to mow.

Humans are creatures who feels so much emotions, and the variety of them are ought to be countable, but the truth is that we are not capable to count them at all. And thus to Ameterasu Hideko, who feels so much whilst having the lack of capacity to comprehend it, it must be hard. Poor her, it must have hurt so much, have it not? She did so well, still trying her best up until now.

Idols, they are always someone whom people often look up to. They burden their expectations to the ones who are famous and they have to carry those hopes wherever they go. I believe as long as they try to entertain their viewers in a healthy way, they are enough. Even if it does not reach what the viewers depicted, even if that is not the real them, we can only wish the best for them.

"But I'm sorry, I don't feel anything for you, Ameterasu." you answer, a small trace of sadness followed in your tongue.

Needless to say, Ameterasu felt comforted in your arms and words that holds shallow emotions.


	22. Chapter 22

What is it that you lack?

"And the last pianist we have for today, (F/n) (L/n)!"

Once more, you took Ameterasu's breath away the moment you step into the stage. For the first time after a lot of pondering, you sat down on the stool with your black suit yet again, your tie slightly loose but you could care less about it now. Retiring when there is so much money to obtain? What a waste.

You have a whole crowd waiting for you, you are a blessing upon some of the people in this earth. You have loving parents, you have friends around you, you are above average in almost anything and everything. You are able to provide money for your parents, your career is as stable as it gets, your eyes would always glimmer in checks and fan mails.

Chatters and whispers, all of those actions stops once you pressed the first key of the piano. A gentle sway of your finger from one key to another, such splendid work as usual. Grace savors your performance without a doubt, and it left no traces of such ill manners behind. Your sins shall be paid in a form of art and let these papers that are said to be valuable flow.

Nothing ever went downhill in your life, or at least you think so. Even if someone dies, even if they are close to you, you never once in your entire life had a mental breakdown. You are like a tranquil ocean that knows no chaos. Even if you are angry, sad, or even happy, your voice remains somewhat monotone, and your body never exaggerates anything. People may say hurtful things to you, scandals and arguments may happen, just like any other idols would. But you never panic, you never overreact, as if those things is not worth a story to tell.

You tell a life full of boring stories and incidents full of holes. You, the repulsive pianist unknown to have good deeds, lack emotions. And even after realizing that fact for all these years, you have so little feelings to spare and actually care about it.

Life is not about meaning, it is about what you crave.   
Then, what do you crave?

"Why didn't you come to the school ceremony?"

Your desires, your wishes, the unsaid in which you long for. The moment where your emotions are crawling under your skin so calmly without any frantic movements. All of those, it all ambles back to Kiyoomi.

Kiyoomi Sakusa, what a wonderful child he is.


	23. Chapter 23

"Un, deux, trois..." you murmur vaguely as you continued mess around doing waltz in the quiet lobby in the building where you just had your performance. Everyone had left, and it is peaceful enough for you to do a little waltz to loosen your head after being on the stage.

Un, deux, trois, it twirls perfectly in your tongue for some reason.

Nothing much happened between you and Ameterasu. Even though she had cornered you yesterday, it did not seem like much of a problem, so there was no tension between the two of you. You must say, that version of Ameterasu, the one who desires to have you and had shown her pitiful sight upon her enemy, it is such a shame. For her, of course. You cannot help but wonder how long she had taken a liking towards you, or how did she end up loving you so much like that. Or perhaps she felt lonely because her fiance is not with her and purposely filled her hole with a made-up emotion? Oh well, it does not really matter at this point.

Suddenly stopping yourself from doing the waltz, Kiyoomi's figure can be seen from the other side of the glass door. He is outside, waiting for you, it is the questionable action for him as always, but Kiyoomi is here, and that is all that caught your attention. He had not realize that you are behind him between the glass, so you could not help but to stand there quietly whilst admiring and questioning his very attendance. His casual attire and with the classic armor, his mask and his gloves. Cute.

What a strange guy, Kiyoomi is just a person whom you admire for his skills in volleyball just like Atsumu. But unlike Atsumu, Kiyoomi is seizing your heart and emotions in many different ways recently. Maybe, it is love?

Haha, as if.

"Sakusaaa! Why are you here?" you abruptly open the door, almost slamming it too which made him pale for a brief moment considering that it IS a glass door. . "Were you watching me play? That's super romantic, are you trying to make my heart swoon?" shooting him with a bunch of words all at once to perhaps fluster him a bit. He did not flinch, nor did his pupils become smaller from your words. It does not effect him, maybe not visibly, or at least that is what you wish to be the face.

It is really strange, Kiyoomi makes you feel calm while making you feel so much things all at once. Words would often slip through your mouth and you never felt bothered about it. It just feels right as long as Kiyoomi is with you.

Kiyoomi sighs, "Drop the formality, Kiyoomi is alright." he informs clearly without wasting a breath.

No, it is not understandable even for a person like you. Kiyoomi is just a volleyball player, a germaphobe who kept that title all the way until his adulthood, someone you admired, someone that caught your interest due to his beauty once his spike hits the floor with the loudest impact a human can ever hear.

"Hmm, getting chummy now aren't we? Alright then, Kiyoomi-chan." you snicker at the end of your sentence.

Kiyoomi furrows his eyebrows, taking his small hand sanitizer from his pocket. "Do you want me to spray my hand sanitizer all over your face?" he threatens you (not) menacingly while pointing the sanitizer right on front of your face.

"White flag, white flag! Show me some mercy Kiyoomi, geez." you put both of your hands on your face to save yourself. Just in case if he actually decided to spray the living hell out of you with it. Because if you have to be honest, you had already heard the wonders of Atsumu being Sakusa's stress ball at some point despite it being Atsumu's fault all the time, and it was not a fun story on Atsumu's behalf.

"Good, that sounds better." Kiyoomi smiles behind his mask which unfortunately you were not able to see. "I wanted to take you out for a quick walk today, is that fine?" he asks in a... ridiculously polite voice.

Like a pavement covered by the snow of winter, you grabbed a shovel to clean the pavement from the snow that covers it. Thus leaving you with a ton of snow that you would end up making a snowman from. Appreciating both the snow and pavement, devouring his beauty like there is no tomorrow. Perhaps you are a beast, or a slave to beautiful things could work too.

"Sure, take me anywhere you want."

It is so confusing, but you will follow to what your heart wishes. Even that does not matter, because both your heart and brain are frantically screaming at you to be with him today, just like any other day, such childishness. But, you do not hate it either.

"Good girl, thank you for being obedient." Kiyoomi compliments you with the most shit eating grin he had ever made in his entire life.

"Wait, I'm not a dog!" you protest flusteredly.

"Hurry up and take my hand already, (F/n)."

Even your name sounds perfect in his voice.


	24. Chapter 24

It is a vague memory, but you were around twelve years old back then.

Your grandfather, the father of your mother died, and so you were left with your grandmother crying while holding you as a form of comfort as your parents continued sobbing against each other. Everyone was frowning, some were crying. You had always been so close with your grandfather, even closer than your mother because she had her problems with her own parents herself. Yet no matter how much you were spending your time happily with those of your loved ones, you never once shed a tear.

It is painful, the pain is more than you think you can bear. You think no one would even fathom this excruiciating torture you are having with yourself.

You cannot even cry to wash away the sorrow. Your body cannot even find comfort within someone's arms.

"Why are we back at Itachiyama, Kiyoomi?" the both of you stops walking on front of the gates of Itachiyama. You know that Itachiyama is nearby the original place of the performance, but you were not expecting Kiyoomi to take a walk and end up back in Itachiyama High. The place where you two met for the first time. The gates are not locked, so it was easy for him to open it and enter the school, or to be more precise, the gym.

It is frustrating, especially as a child whose emotions are flooded so easily by innocence. Your family thought it was your way of handling the pain, but you cannot even begin to explain how horrendous it is to not being able to cry on the death of your beloved, a person whose blood is in you. Is it normal? Will it change evntually as time passes?

No, nothing changed.

Kiyoomi subtly rubs the back of his neck, looking away from you with a slight scowl, his other hand still holding yours as tight as ever. "Don't you miss being here?" his cheeks were painted with bright red.

"I miss watching you play. I wish I had taken a day off when you have a match back then." you laughed it off. On the other hand, Kiyoomi is thinking if he could actually plan a match where you can watch him on the court without a screen.

At this point, it is not even frustrating anymore. Any emotions are deemed to be felt temporarily in such a small span of time and then it was followed by the wave of the ocean without fishes. You are like eating clay and grass on a piece of plate but it never seems to be finished. It is not emotions that you do not have, you still feel things as well as other humans would feel. But it is still what you lack, and you are finally aware of that after so long.

Even when your friends are in a horrible state, you comfort them out of obligation. Your apologies too, are out of common sense. You do not feel any sympathy to them, even if you do, it is most likely to be remorse that clings onto your shirt loosely.

'Oh, my friend is sad. They said that I'm their friend, so I must comfort them.'

'Mother is crying again, I would be a shitty child if i don't help her.'

Now that you look back at it. How disgusting. You even fooled yourself that you love your parents so much you would do anything fo rthem, but you know deep inside you note it as your responsibility as a child who lived her life with supportive parents. Thus a rebellion would only waste your time yet alone is it unecessary.

"You really are a fan of mine." Kiyoomi comments impulsively, looking at the court now he could only remember how much he had became. He is not alone, he has his friends and you. It is weird coming from the blunt germaphobe like him.

You pout, "Are you doubting my admiration?" leaning against the wall of the gym idly. To which Kiyoomi could only smile softly at behind his mask.

You are right, everything about Kiyoomi Sakusa is so weird when you are involved. As a volleyball player, he attracted you years ago. As a human being, a germaphobe that is still a child at heart sometimes. He had dragged you at any public place whether he liked it or not. It confuses you because he has no reason to feel obliged to do so. The reason, HIS reason, it remains unknown. Kiyoomi is your winter, no━ he is all of the seasons combined for you. Just like everything in the world, its vile and wonderful side, you find it to be absolutely wonderful, beautiful. Kiyoomi too, he has to be the most beautiful person ever.

Kiyoomi's hands are much bigger than yours, he could encapture you and make you his so easily. To feel so helpless by his presence, ironic. He is no different like any other living flesh, complex and beautiful. But something about him attracts you so much that even words are no longer enough to describe how you feel even if you were to hold an abundance of dictionaries.

Why did he even bring you here in the first place? To propose to you? Just kid━

"If I told you I want to marry you, will you accept it?"

━ding...


	25. Chapter 25

"If I told you I want to marry you, will you accept it?"

What kind of sick joke is that?

"Kiyoomi, why are you asking me this?" you voice cracks at the end, fiddling with your fingers from behind. Such an unfair question. You do not understand him at all. Kiyoomi's gaze had never been this intense, even when playing volleyball. As if he is expecting something from you. He yearns for your answer and will grovel if must.

Kiyoomi Sakusa, he makes you feel so much and making you feel so calm at the same time. But what is he to you, exactly?

"I'm being serious." he responds without wasting another second. He already has his hand in his pocket, and you already know where this is going.

No, he is not like Atsumu or even Ameterasu. You are merely long term friends with Atsumu that are fated to meet through a mere device, but your admiration towards Kiyoomi is evidently more passionate than Atsumu. Thus his confession is similar to Ameterasu, but one thing that is not the same, you do not have the courage to even say no.

Why are you hesitating? Romance only exhausts you, and we have been over this topic for years by now. All this time, there are so many questions flooding each chapters of your life, yet barely any of them are even answered. But, you wanted this, do you not? To be treated as an equal to your significant other, all this time after being touch-starved without your acknowledgement. You wish to be with the right person. So, now you only need to ask yourself about him, Kiyoomi Sakusa. Whether or not he is the right person you ever wanted to entrust yourself with.

Quietly humming, you muster the courage to ask again, "Aren't you taking things too fast now? Isn't it just some sort of infatuation that will wit away soon?—"

"I've been in love with you for six years."

His words tells no lies. Six years. It may be just a number, but how long this child had even held such feelings for you is not something to be underestimated. However, question yourself this, what do you feel towards Kiyoomi? Obsession is a possible answer. You had always been so drawn to the beauty and positive side of things no matter how eerie it is in the eyes of some people. And you have come to the conclusion that Kiyoomi is the most beautiful one out of all.

Once again as a reminder, life is not about meaning, it is about what you crave. Kiyoomi Sakusa is what you crave. But in what definition do you crave him is something you have no clue about.

"I can't give you the most luxurious life ever like that guy who first proposed to you, and I don't have all the time in the world to be with you too." he begins once more. With slight hesitation he continues, "I love you, and I want you to be my wife. So—" Kiyoomi slowly pulls down his mask to his chin.

The man gets on one knee, a small box with a ring in it.

"Will you marry me?"

For your information, he had almost lost the ring because Koutaro thought it was a gift for the team until Atsumu had to give a whole lecture about Kiyoomi's proposal the moment he sees the ring Kiyoomi bought resting on Koutaro's palms. On the other hand Shoyo kept on congratulating Kiyoomi despite him not proposing to you just yet back in their dorms. So yes, it was pure chaos. But for you? It was worth the trouble.

Your emotions are disheveled, tangled all over the place. You want to accept it, but you are still unsure if it is the right answer. "Why me?" Kiyoomi had made you, the uncertain pianist speechless by this sudden proposal. Even if your voice is rather quiet, he hears it so clearly.

"Give me a reason to not marry my number one fan, (F/n)." he grins softly.

No, there is no reason for you to refuse his proposal.


	26. Chapter 26

"Kiyoomi, don't watch me like that." you mutter, fingertips touching the keys of the piano subtly as you try to look away from Kiyoomi's menacing-like stare, leaning against the wall.

Kiyoomi walks closer, leaning towards you a little while his hand held yours, "I like it when you play the piano with this ring." his lips connects with yours for a second, "It reminds me how someone so amazing is married to me."

Warm like the summer, but the emotions are blooming like the flowers in spring. The wedding dress was white like the snow, for the first time when your lips touched his back then you could not help but to cry. The overwhelming amount of happiness is so excessive, your ebullience cannot be more visible than the day during your wedding with Kiyoomi.

"H-Hold on, that was embarrassing.." Kiyoomi murmurs, backing up but his hand is still holding yours tightly even when he's trying to divert his gaze elsewhere. This reaction is extremely cute, and you have admit it inside.

"You have a game tomorrow don't you? Get some sleep now." you point out. Though, Kiyoomi's grimace is enough to convince you that he is not going to sleep just yet. Sighing, you pinch his cheek softly, "I'm getting sleepy too, so let's just sleep now, yeah?"

Without saying a single word, Kiyoomi presses his lips onto yours once more. Pulling you by your waist with his other hand that was leisurely hanging around, you intertwine your finegrs with his tightly. "One more," as if two kisses at once is not enough for you, and Kiyomi obidiently follows your request. But one more is still never enough for you.

"I thought you wanted to sleep." Kiyoomi mentions, in which you ignore.

You pout, "One more."

"Are you even listening?" albeit his words that sounds like an accusation he connects his lips with yours again and again. With the ring holding around your finger states how much he loves you, and the same goes for you too. 

That waiting he had endured for years, it was worth it.


End file.
